If this were an episode of Friends, I would definitely be Monica right now. Because Oh. My. Word. I am completely freaking out that our toy room isn't finished. Not even a little bit. My OCD has reached a fever pitch and I am so extremely sick of the toys that live on top of me and the empty horrible sticky floored mess that sits...untouched where the toy room should be.
2 weeks ago the tile we ordered finally arrived. It was supposed to be a very basic high gloss black and white 12' vinyl tile. It wasn't being shipped in from Morocco like a rare form of marble. (I have no idea where marble comes from, but Morocco sounded good.) It wasn't being hand cut, or hand-painted, or even handled with care. It was vinyl for petes sake! And yet, it took FOREVER to get here.
After cajoling my man-slave husband (whom I love) for WHAT FELT LIKE WEEKS but may have in actuality only been a few days or possibly even a few hours....he finally began the flooring replacement process. He took his scraping tool thing and pried up every single piece of the dreaded carpet squares( that will forever and always smell of dog pee and must be burned) after which he then began the process of gluing down our new, shiny, and fabulously nonabsorbent squares. All was going well. I knew this from the shouting that was taking place back and forth between the toy room where Gabe was and the office around the corner where I was. It went something like this: (for accuracy please scream this in your head)
Me: Hows it GOING?
Him: Good! ALL THE CARPET IS OUT!
Me: Oh YAY! That was FAST!
Him: YEAH IM ALREADY DONE WITH A ROW OF TILE!
Me: Oh NICE! IS it perfect??
Him: Yeah it looks AWESOME I think you're going to LOVE ITI!
And thus I sat in my office - completely elated with the progress and totally oblivious to the fiasco that was unfolding itself repeatedly in a nice neat grid of color-blinded grossness just one door down the hall.
A few minutes later I got up to inspect the awesomeness that I was sure to love - and gasped in horror - as I saw these ugly UGLY squares of speckled brown and gray being placed oh so carefully one after the other by my very pleased with himself husband.
STOP! STOP! Oh my GOSH what ARE YOU DOING?????????????????? I yelled into the abyss of tile laying , which was hastily returned by my baffled husband who wore a look of complete confusion. What? Whats wrong, he said?
My words flowed like honey. They were angry and emphasized with giant arm movements. This TILE is DISGUSTING!!! ITS BROWN! and GRAY!
Brown and Gray?? He says. He is utterly confused.
Yes, I reply. Also known as SMOG and POOP. Also known as UNACCEPTABLE! Cant you even SEE that this is totally and completely wrong? (This is where I should have stopped talking - but you know I didn't). And then I said these words: "well, what color do YOU think it is?"
This is industry standard BLACK AND WHITE TILE he says.
ITS BROWN AND GRAY!!!! BROWN AND GRAAAAAYYYYYYYY!
okay okay he said with his hands in the air. Ill rip it out!!!
OK YES! You WILL rip it out! Because it ISNT BLACK AND WHITE! Its wrong! Its completely wrong and disgusting and I cant in my right mind even THINK that you believe this tile is correct, or attractive, or even remotely close to what we had picked out?!!! Even Helen Keller would be able to SENSE that this is THE WRONG TILE!!!!
And that is how my toy room nearly destroyed my marriage. But seriously. It was NOT black and white.
At this point in the story I would like to have a photograph for you to view, so that you can dry my tears and tell me "there there sweet child, that tile is clearly brown and gray!" BUT I CANT. Because shortly after my husband scraped up the rejected vinyl from hell and stacked the unopened boxes all into a nice neat pile...my dog, sensing the ugliness of the situation, quietly walked over and PEED ON THE BOXES.
I am now too broke to order NEW tile. I am too disgusted to pick up the pee boxes and march them back from whence they came and demand an exchange. And I am too darn gifted with the gift of sight to lay down the brown and gray. And so. I shall not be discussing this toy room further.
And then I woke up and the internet had this dress posted to every nook and cranny of the world wide web. I held up my phone and asked my husband what color the dress was. He looked at me and matter of factly said "Black and Blue".
And my head exploded.
ITS GOLD AND WHITE!!!!!!!